


Dear Journal

by softlouislove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-23 20:29:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20214838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlouislove/pseuds/softlouislove
Summary: Dear Journal,Do I like boys? Like, THAT way? I'm starting to wonder... I'm trying to figure out my feelings for my best friend. Wish me luck?xx





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I wrote several years ago, and never fully finished. I recently stumbled upon it and have decided to edit/finish it and upload it here. Maybe someone will even read it. If that someone is you I hope that you won't be too hard on me as I've never claimed to actually be a writer! But really, I hope that someone out there will read this and it will bring them joy, at least for a short time. If you do it would be wonderful if you could leave a little comment to let me know!
> 
> Quick Disclaimer:  
Just to be clear, none of what I will be writing is true, all of it comes out of my head. I do not know any of the boys in One Direction, or have anything to do with them, or the band in real life, other than supporting them 100%. None of the events in this story are true or based on real events.

Dear Journal,

So, I've never kept a journal before. I've never been much of a writer, and I never really had anything to even write about. I've been having some stressful thoughts and feelings lately though, and I feel like writing everything down will help me work through them. Yay for healthy coping strategies am I right?! 

Okay so here we go I guess...

I'm not sure about my sexuality. There. I said it. I mean, I've heard people say that if you're even questioning it means you're probably gay. I, however, think that's the biggest load of bullshit ever. This could just be a phase or something. I mean having questions or doubts doesn't make me gay, right? I could just be curious, or confused, or overthinking things? I don't know, but I've been noticing some things about myself lately, and I'm wondering what they could mean. If anything. Isn't it normal to question yourself? That's where the whole thing about "finding yourself" comes from. So what if I'm questioning my sexuality? Everyone probably does at some point and I'm probably just overthinking everything and freaking myself out. Can you see now why I need a journal?

Anyway, I never used to find boys attractive. Course, I never really found girls all that attractive either. But that doesn't mean anything right? I mean, I don't know. I guess I never really paid that much attention either way. I've always been able to appreciate an attractive person, male or female. But I guess I just never thought about them any further than, "oh, that girl has really pretty hair." or "That guy looks well fit in that top." You know what I mean? 

I definitely had a strong female influence growing up, between my mum, sisters, and sisters' friends (who were always around). I practically spent all of my time with girls. (I've never been attracted to any of my sisters' friends or anything, that's just a stereotype though; that the brother crushes on his sisters' friends, right?) Mainly what I'm saying is, my interest in things like romantic movies or fashion could come from the comfort of growing up watching romcoms with my family, and gossiping with my sisters about celeb red carpets.

Isn't the whole "all gay men are effeminate" thing just a super homophobic stereotype anyway? I think I've heard my mate Harry talking about that before.

I'm just really confused at the moment.

You see, I have this friend, who is a boy. I've known him for as long as I can remember. We have tons of memories and inside jokes together. He's probably the sweetest, smartest, funniest person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I have felt that way since I met him. I've always loved him with my whole heart. Only recently, I've also started to think of him as tremendously attractive as well. Which is a huge thing for me. I mean, I've never actually been attracted to anyone in my entire life, and now the first person I can see myself with more than platonically is my best mate? I thought this only happened in books! Or I guess movies?

I haven't told him how I've been feeling. Not because I think he'd reject me, or think I'm creepy or anything. Only because I am still unsure of myself, and my feelings. Imagine if I was like "Yo, dude, I gotta straight up passion in my soul for you man." (cause that's totally how I talk all the time...) and he's like "Oh, well I don't think we can be friends anymore homie cause I for sure feel weird around you now." and I lose my absolute best friend and it turns out I don't actually like boys and I am in fact just going through a phase? (Speaking of phases, how long do they normally last? I should Google that...) Back to the main point here though, I really am only worried about telling him, and then realizing that I'm actually just confused or overthinking things. Therefore most likely ruining the best relationship in my life for no reason whatsoever.

I know for a fact that he wouldn't be upset if I told him I'm gay, I told you he's the nicest and most accepting person you could ever meet! Plus we have two other friends who're gay, and practically married. Maybe I should ask them how they knew they liked boys. Or how they were sure about their feelings for each other? That could actually be really helpful! After all they are who I look to as proof that true love really exists. I've wished for a relationship like theirs ever since I met them, really. They get so caught up in each other it's sickening, and lovely. I'll definitely ask them. Especially since they're the only gay people I know personally. Plus they love talking about each other so it shouldn't be hard to get them to open up.

Maybe tomorrow, since it's 4:00 am right now. They're probably either asleep, or having the kind of fun that I would not enjoy interrupting...

Okay, changing subjects. I should add that my name is Zayn Malik, and I am questioning my feelings toward Liam Payne. My best friend.

Not really sure how to sign off...

xx


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a little shorter but we get to meet Louis and Harry. Enjoy, xx

Dear Journal, 

Okay, so today I went and talked to Louis and Harry. (The friends I mentioned in my last entry.) I asked them how they knew they were gay, and they told me two different things.

1\. Louis said that he pretty much always knew. He never ever looked at a girl the way he looks at boys. When he realized that he did in fact, only like boys, he didn't even question it. "Just rolled with it." None of his friends or family were surprised when he came out (That same day), more of a 'you finally figured it out, huh?' kind of reaction. Followed by a "pride party" for him to come out to his friends. ("My family and the town I grew up in were both really open-minded. I know I'm extremely lucky to have had that experience because many people don't even get a calm acceptance, or even a hug") 

Which, I mean, I'm really happy for him, but it didn't help me at all. Side note: It took him an entire hour to tell me that...? Which I still don't understand. Louis really likes to talk, partly because he likes the sound of his own voice, but I think also because he loves the look on Harry's face when he's listening to Lou. I must admit it's probably the sweetest thing ever. He gets this dreamy smile, and a sparkle in his green eyes and Louis just melts looking at it. Which is sickeningly sweet and I'm very happy for them really but, an HOUR?! Whatever moving on.

2\. Harry said that it took him a little bit longer to figure out. He had had several girlfriends who he really truly cared for, but he always ended up breaking up with them because he got bored. One thing he really wanted in a relationship was, and still is, excitement. He never wanted to feel bored with whoever he ended up with. He said he eventually decided that he wanted to kiss a boy so that when he kissed girls he could compare it to the unpleasant boy, and so enjoy the girls more. The problem was that when he kissed a boy randomly in a club (who happened to be Louis) he liked it. A lot. I think his words were along the lines of "explosion of excitement and passion." (How cheesy can you get though?) He then proceeded to enter into a textbook case of denial. He said he started sleeping with pretty much every girl he could. Except the whole time he couldn't stop thinking about "that blue eyed boy from the club". So, he decided it was probably only the drunken euphoria that happens during a night out. So, logically(?), he decided to go on a date with a guy. (You know, as you would if you were refusing to believe you were gay...) He said he just went up to every guy on the street that he thought was attractive until one agreed to go on a date with him. He went on the date and even gave the guy ("Toby, or Tony, or something..") a goodbye kiss. This was when he realized that even kissing some random guy off the street was at least as nice as kissing a girl. If not quite as nice as kissing Louis From the Club. ("This was when I googled to find out if there was something other than straight or gay. Like something in between.") He took some online quizzes and read through descriptions of different sexualities and decided none of them really felt right. ("Probably Pansexual was the closest but even that wasn't really right. I don't really like labels...") After all his searching he felt much better knowing that he didn't actually have to label himself. That it really was okay to just like who you like. The next day he took the number that The Boy had given him just a month before, and called him. Basically the rest was history. I apparently met him about 3 months later.

I must say that I found that story extremely cute. I mean he met Louis as a random stranger in a club, fell for him practically immediately, and then couldn't stop thinking about him for a month before he knew anything about him other than his name! Yet another thing that I thought could only happen in books or movies! Real life soulmate shit in my opinion.

Overall, I think going to see them was a good idea. I feel better now about not being sure of my feelings. I mean it's not like I'm completely in denial like Harry right? Plus he gave me some good information about different sexualities. And just overall made me feel much better about being so confused.

I've decided that if I do figure out my feelings and I am in fact gay, I'm okay with it. I will not have any kind of crisis or breakdown. I won't exactly be all "Yay! I'm so happy! This is the best thing ever!" because the fact would still remain that I would most likely be in love with my best friend. But I would accept it openly and move on with my life, happy to know a new and important thing about myself.

I suppose all that remains is figuring out if I am truly into boys or not.

So yeah, I guess maybe I'll kiss a guy?

xx, Zayn


End file.
